


It's Not Easy...

by silver_drip



Series: Sexuality and Gender-Identity One-Shots [1]
Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexuality, Established Relationship, M/M, asexual!Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 13:09:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4306341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_drip/pseuds/silver_drip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki struggles with his sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Easy...

**Author's Note:**

> This is a WIP from over six months ago that I just finished. Get on my level. (Also, stress writing.)

* * *

 

Loki could hardly breathe as he fixed his tie for the thousandth time before roughly pulling it off. He felt like his heart was in his throat.

This was the end. He just knew it.

Loki just wished he hadn’t fallen for the mortal so quickly.

And he wanted to cry, to scream at the Norns for making him this way, but he refused to let his emotions show. They had a date tonight and Loki didn’t want to look like a mess.

Norns, he wished he hadn’t given in all those weeks ago and finally agreed to go on a date with him, but the mortal had been so persistent—and now Loki was in love and about to be abandoned all over again.

Tony had just been so persistent since Loki had been released from Asgard to serve the rest of his time on Midgard.

Loki had tried so hard not to be taken in by Tony’s actions, but he could never pass up new knowledge, which the mortal offered up on a platter, practically bating Loki into his tower and lab. He directed his holograms and machines with hand gestures similar to his own. He never hesitated to answer all of Loki’s questions, even though Loki knew many of them were probably stupid questions. Tony actually listened to him when he spoke.

The first time Tony had asked him out Loki had been tongue tied and only responded after Dum-E accidentally ran into him. After that Loki had put up his defenses and declined his offer.

The second time Tony asked him out for a date Loki had been quicker to respond, putting on his princely look of disinterest before snidely rebuking him.

He wasn’t discouraged though.

Loki found it to be the oddest mixture, how Tony asked him out. They could be talking about anything, from the seismic activity in California to the latest fad and Tony would off handedly mention how much enjoyable their lives would be if they were a couple.

It always threw Loki off kilter.

It had taken months, _months_ of little comments like that to finally wear down Loki’s resolve.

And their first date had been wonderful.

After that Loki had pushed away from him, afraid to become even more attached.

But Tony was persistent, not annoyingly so though. He’d send Loki little text messages about his advances in science and how it related to magic. It was just enough to keep the mortal always at the edges of Loki’s thoughts.

It was like a gravitational pull, beyond Loki’s power.

There second date had been better than the first, somehow.

And now…

It was all going to be over.

He’d already cancelled twice. There was no avoiding it now.

Loki was scolding himself for falling in love when he realized he was already behind schedule. He teleported to the lobby of Stark Tower, having been reprimanded various times by different members of the team about how it was rude to teleport onto their personal levels.

Loki stared at himself in the metal doors of the elevator as it ascended. He looked good, and wasn’t that half the problem?

If he was ugly—

Norns, he’d had this same argument with himself for centuries. Having it again would only depress him further.

The elevator doors opened and Loki gingerly stepped onto the penthouse floor.

“I’m in the kitchen.” Tony called out. His voice sounded slightly hectic, making Loki smile and some of his tension dissipate. “These directions are fucking useless,” Tony said as Loki walked into the kitchen.

Loki plucked the silver tin out of his hands, quickly reading the directions. He glanced around the room, putting together all the different clues. Discarded oven mitts, meat thermometer, a digital timer that had already reached zero.

“You didn’t preheat the oven,” Loki finally said. “Jarvis, taking into account the rising temperature and the amount of time the,” Loki flipped over the tin, reading the label, “lasagna has already been in the oven how much longer till it’s finished?”

“Twenty minutes,” Jarvis answered dutifully.

“You’re the best, babe,” Tony said, before leaning up and giving Loki a quick peck on the cheek before moving to reset the timer.

Loki liked that, the little passing gestures of affection. He was going to miss that.

Loki wondered into the living room, bypassing the couches and going straight for the bar. He fixed himself a drink, trying to calm his frayed nerves. Thankfully Tony had specially made alcohol that could actually affect Loki’s high tolerance.

After fortifying himself with one glass he fixed himself another, joining Tony in the kitchen.

“If you’re this terrible at cooking premade meals why did you not want to go out to eat?” Loki asked, veiling his discomfort with sarcasm.

“I don’t know how you Asgardians—”

“Aesir, and I’m a Jotun, remember.”

“Semantics. As I was saying, I don’t know how things are done up there in Never-Never Land, but down here couples stay in for meals every once and a while for a bit of privacy.” As Tony was speaking he was rummaging through the different cabinets and drawers looking for something.

Loki looked at his drink, feeling nauseous. He really didn’t want to lose Tony.

The hurried motions in front of him came to a halt. Loki schooled his face into its usual brand of disinterest.

“What else are we having for dinner?” Loki asked before taking a sip of his drink.

“Babe, are you alright?” Tony asked and Loki was proud of himself for not flinching.

“Of course I am.” Loki scoffed giving Tony a derisive look. Tony moved around the counter that separated them and Loki did his best not to circle away from him.

“Does this have to do with why you ditched me on our last two dates?” Tony asked and Loki held back a whimper, because Tony didn’t sound angry. Instead he sounded concerned, caring. It hurt so much knowing that Tony wouldn’t talk to him like that anymore, not after tonight.

“I had things I had to attend to last Saturday and that Thursday became unexpectedly full when an old enemy found me in your realm,” Loki said while discreetly glancing around the room, looking for any sort of change in subject.

“What’s wrong? You know you can tell me.” Tony reached out and touched Loki’s arm, his hand slid downward until their fingers were intertwined. Loki was defenseless against this mortal. “You don’t have to hold back with me. I’m not going to judge you or ridicule you like those Aesir used to.”

“Yes, you will, they always do,” Loki whispered, not able to look at Tony. The engineer tugged on Loki until he followed him to the living room. He pulled them both down onto the couch so that they were facing each other. Tony carefully cupped Loki’s jaw and the god reveled in the soft sensation.

“Talk to me, babe. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” This time Loki really did flinch, pulling away from him.

“I’m not one of your machines. You can’t just fix me.” Norns, know how many years he’d spent trying to fix himself?

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Loki hated that he was making Tony frown in confusion.

“I know. It’s just,” Loki tried scooting away from him, but there was no more room on the couch. “It’s just this is the third date and on the third date couples usually—” Loki was cut off by Tony’s loud laughter.

“Lokes, is that why you’ve been avoiding me? No matter what anyone tells you there is no such thing as obligatory sex, even if it’s the third date or a birthday.” Tony moved closer to Loki, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before leaning back again. The god relaxed slightly, but then Tony kept speaking. “I’ve had plenty of one night stands, more than I can count. I know it’s bad etiquette to talk about ex’s, but I think you need to hear it. One of the main problems Pepper and I had was that she felt obligated to have sex with me to keep me interested, especially when we hadn’t seen each other for a while because of SI business. When we have sex I want us to do it because we trust and care for each other and actually _want_ to have sex.” Loki crumbled in on himself, hiding his face in his hands. “Loki, what is it? Did I say something wrong?” Loki’s shoulders started to tremble. He felt Tony gently touch his shoulder and he couldn’t stop his flinch. “Come’ere.”

Tony gathered Loki up in his arms and the god latched onto him against his will, burying his face in the crook of Tony’s neck.

“Shh, Lokes I’m right here. Just talk to me.” Tony whispered, rubbing his hand up and down Loki’s back. Loki shook his head, unable to slow down his sobs. “That’s alright, take your time.”

He was going to miss this so much, the closeness, the lack of disgust.

Loki had almost calmed down when he heard the dinging of the timer in the kitchen going off.

“I need to get the lasagna out of the oven. Will you be alright here for a minute by yourself?” Loki nodded glumly while pulling away from him. Once Tony was out of sight Loki fell backwards onto the couch, staring at the ceiling and willing his breathing to slow down.

Why did every good thing in his life have to come to an end?

Why did he allow himself to fall in love?

Why could he feel love, yet never feel—

“Babe, you’re scaring the shit out of me,” Tony said once he returned. Loki stared up at him for a long moment, tears blurring his vision. “Fuck.” Tony kneeled in front of the couch. “Just tell me what you need.”

“Please don’t leave me,” he said shakily. Tony’s frown deepened and he lifted Loki slightly so that he could hug him.

“I’m not going to leave you,” Tony said softly before kissing Loki on the cheek. Loki began crying.

“They all leave when they find out, when they know I’m broken.” He began sobbing, clutching onto Tony.

“You’re not broken. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“You’re going to push me away or try to _fix_ me. That’s how it always happens, how it’s _going_ to happen.” He was trying to savoir this last moment, this last touch, but all he could think about was rejection.

“Come on, Lokes. Don’t lump me in with all your ex’s. This relationship is different than anything either of us have ever had. It’s better than any relationships we’ve ever had. _We_ work. We just click.” Tony kissed him again and Loki shook his head. Tony moved backwards, sitting on the coffee table. “Please just talk to me.”

“You’ve been with hundreds of men and women,” Loki forced out.

“And you’re a thousand and something years old. I’m a bit intimidated by the whole bedroom thing too.” Tony chuckled and it only made Loki hurt worse.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. _No one_ understands.” Loki curled in on himself, debating just teleporting to his apartment.

“Then help me understand. I _want_ to understand.” Tony reached for him again and Loki flinched away.

“I’m broken,” he said again.

“If that’s true that means I love someone who’s broken.” Loki gasped and his heart both fluttered and felt like it had been stabbed.

“I love you too, but I can’t—I just can’t—” Loki was choked off by his own sobs.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Don’t leave me. Please, don’t ever leave me, even when you know…” Tony scooped him up and Loki clutched onto him desperately.

“I’m not going to leave you, not in a million years and I’m not going to try to fix whatever it is that you think is wrong with yourself.” Tony buried his face against Loki’s hair. “I love you too much for any of that so just tell me why you’re crying.”

This was it, the moment of truth—and Loki just desperately wanted to believe him.

“You’re so handsome. I love every inch of you.” Loki took in another deep breath.

“I’m not seeing a problem,” Tony joked and Loki let out a broken chuckle.

“Vain bastard. Let me talk.” Tony nuzzled against him and Loki tried to center himself. “I don’t know why I’m like this way. I don’t want to have sex. I just don’t feel that attraction that I’ve read and heard about so many times, not with anyone, not even with you.” Loki squeezed his eyes shut, holding his breath and waiting to be shoved away.

“Is that all?” Tony asked softly. What did he mean is that all? “Loki, that’s perfectly natural. There’s a whole category for it called asexual and then there’s a ton of varieties that I don’t know off the top of my head. What you’re feeling, or more specifically what you’re not feeling, is okay and natural.”

“You’re not going to leave me or try to change me?” There was just a twinge of hope in Loki’s voice.

“Of course not. I love you just the way you are.”


End file.
